


Sleep

by BigJellyMonster (orphan_account)



Series: AU Sorcerer Squall [2]
Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, sorcerer Squall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-19 23:15:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7381462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/BigJellyMonster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unable to find peace in the waking world, Squall turns to another method to keep himself sane.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleep

It was his worst fear come true.

Not to long after their return to their own time, they all ended up becoming top ranked SeeDs with the exception of Rinoa of course. Each had been given their missions time and time again, leaving the Garden, leaving Squall.

He had tried turning down the position of Commander after the immediate threat was gone, but the headmaster, his friends, and the entire population of the school had been against it saying that they wouldn’t make it two days without him. Squall agreed. It felt nice to be needed by so many people, at least that’s what he told himself.

It seemed like the dream family they talked about would never happen. As more time passed each of the Orphanage gang left him. Irvine had to go back to Galbadia Garden to help get the school back up and running. Selphie was on loan to Trabia Garden to repair the damage the missiles brought. Quistis once again found the spark to teach again and threw herself into her old role. Zell, was on a long term mission in Esthar, helping lead the monsters out of the great city.

Rinoa returned to timber. Now that she was a sorceress, she was more than capable of leading a revolution for timbers freedom. Squall thought that he should be worried that he left an unguarded sorceress on her own but he had come to trust her the most. He was not worried.

He had even hoped that Seifer would come back to challenge him at least, but he hasn’t been seen in over a year.

Their new lives left little room for the lonely Commander. He tried to stay in contact, but they all seemed too busy for any talk other than what was strictly required for their missions. Day by day, Squall became more and more secluded in his office. Only leaving when it was required of him. He had even taken to sleeping in his office some days.

The first time he did it, it was completely by accident. Sleep didn’t come easy to him anymore. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw his friends being ripped away from him by time. One after another, falling to the Time Witch’s magic. He would wake in a cold sweat, calling out to them in the darkness. But they had all left him a long time ago.

He had taken to staying awake now, too terrified of his own mind to close his eyes even for a moment. One late night, he found himself out of things to do. So, to pass the time, he began polishing his gunblade. It had not seen action in months. He foolishly ran his ungloved had over the sharp edge of the blade to test if it needed sharpening. It didn’t.

Squall had cut deep into his hand; the hot blood ran quickly down his wrist. That night, he had fallen into the first comfortable dreamless sleep since they stepped out of time compression. Putting it off as a fluke, Squall didn’t think anything of it until a month later.

The need for a peaceful sleep had become the only thing on his mind. He had tried pills, drinking, and even training for so long he passed out from exhaustion. Nothing had worked. Finally, alone in his room, he had pulled out a small pocket knife. Squall was too desperate to think about how crazy his actions were. He slowly drew the knife across his wrist. Once again, he felt the hot blood run down his arm.

After carefully wrapping his wound, Squall fell into a dreamless sleep. It wasn’t long after that he realized that there was no other way to sleep peacefully. His signature coat easily hid his growing collection of cuts along his arm. He had taken to sneaking into the infirmary late at night to steal more bandages. He did not bother with healing potions or anything else of the like.

A year had past. His friends checked in every now and again, but it was not enough to stop his new habit. Quistis had commented that he had actually started looking healthier; the dark rims under his eyes had faded away. Although, he seemed to wince if anyone touched him the wrong way.

In the end, he thought that he should have tried harder, demanded that everyone take a break and spend time together. But it wasn’t in his nature to do so, and he had no practice or the dignity to beg his friends to spend time with him.

All alone, he cut deeper and deeper, letting the blood pool more and more. Until one day, it was too late. He did not have the energy to reach his bandages, or call for help. Instead, he fell into a final peaceful sleep. One where he and his friends could light fireworks at the beach, the fear and excitement of being caught on the tip of their nerves. Rinoa once again in his arms as they stand in an endless field of flower. And the mother he never knew, tears in her eyes and arms wide open welcoming him home.


End file.
